In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 6 - Jealousy

The big green elephant in the room. The one that is socially unacceptable to admit too. So I'll do it for you. I often feel jealous of others and here are some of the reasons...

• Their hubby works close to home and can be home for dinner with the little one
• Hubby gets a guaranteed 45 minutes to himself twice a day (on the train)
• That mum got back into her pre-baby clothes, I'm still not in mine - 3 years down the line.
• That buggy, crib, carrier, car, carseat, nursery etc
• Babies that sleep.
• Babies that sleep in slings/buggies/carseats etc
• That mum who always seems on top of things.
• The mum with the clean house.
• The mum in the boots, leggings and cute top... 
• The dad heading to the park on a workday. 
• The families with family near to help babysit and make meals when the wheels come off.
• That Hubby gets to have coffee with a friend and not have a little one hanging off him.
• That other parents get a night off from parenthood - we don't have the support system here.
• The grandparents who are nearby who get to see their little ones grow up....

So what makes you green? What do you feel jealous about and are too scared to admit too? Comment anonymously - get it out there, clear the air.

Know that even on the worst day - some where some one is having a worse one.

Have an amazing day tomorrow - you deserve the best day! Stop by for my attempts at Lyrical Sunday!

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 5: Bonuses

It's Friday, it's raining and I am so tired my head could implode. Seriously though, who told Monkey that 4am was morning - I am going to hunt you down and squash you!

But anyhoo, onwards and upwards.

Today's theme is bonuses... no you don't get a $1000 cheque if baby is still alive after 12 months, although that may in fact save many lives sadly.

Bonuses are the little extras you don't read about but make life with a child so special.

Here are mine - feel free to add your own.

• Snuffly little baby cuddles at 3am when the whole world is asleep and you are holding your perfect little bundle.
• Milky smiles and indelicate burps
• Not having to get dressed. At all. Unless you want to.
• Lounging around watching your baby discovering things.
• Seeing their personalities become clearer to others.
• Noticing the changes in your partner.
• Sleepy cuddles
• Nose kisses
• The muddled words - helicopolah, noo-noos, flavours (favours)
• The moment you realise they have learnt something - to say thank you or even set the table
• The fact that kids seem to want to help and if you let them help you can have an amazing time together
• That your friends will not expect your house to be perfect.
• Shared baths
• Seeing the world through the eyes of a child - it is truly amazing what they notice and remember.
• Being allowed to read children's books and buy them without anyone looking at you strangely
• Jumping in puddles
• Blowing raspberries
• Eating apple custard
• Playing on the playgrounds with as much enthusiasm as your three year old
• Colouring in
• Painting
• Lego
• Meccano 
• Children's movies

I could go on but I'd like to let you get back to your day.

My hope is that when life is going bad and the whole journey of Motherhood is pretty crap, that you can focus on the bonuses. The bonuses are what make it worthwhile.

Peekaboo!

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 4: Loss

Judgement - check

Confidence - check

Darkness - check

Loss:

(more personal today - hence more I - less you)

One of the many aspects of Motherhood that only really hit home AFTER baby arrives is the sense of loss.

It sounds terribly selfish, I know. But you do lose a lot and many mothers only focus on the gains, leaving mothers who are feeling the loss - feeling guilty.

The first loss you will encounter is the loss of your physical privacy - from the first ultrasound, through the delivery (have I ever told you the story of the orderly coming to ask me if I wanted dinner as they were shoving the forceps up there to drag Monkey into this world?) through to breast feeding in public, to toddlers poking your tummy or yelling that your bum is big in the middle of the mall.

By the time Monkey was about 6 weeks old I had such sympathy for dairy cows... I was touched out. I assume bottle feeding mums feel the same way - the constant sticky baby hands everywhere, carrying them etc. But you take that loss and realise how much you are gaining and how much baby is gaining from the physical touching.

The next loss is sleep. I don't need to say any more. Even the mums with the BEST sleepers in world, lose sleep. I don't have a good sleeper and I would give my left arm for a decent weekend of sleep - just 48 hours and I will be 100% more me.

The loss of spontaneity - no more "just going for a walk/coffee/catch up" There is always that other helpless person to consider. Bags need to be packed. Supplies gathered. Plans of action devised. Our first walk to the park 15 metres from our house took 57 minutes to arrange. We were out for 10 minutes!!

It's getting better now, but there is still that lack of taking a weekend in the country B'n'B. Or popping out for a meal - babysitters need some notice and 5* restaurants don't really cater for 3 year olds who only want noo-noos (noodles) and chickpea curry!

The loss of time - No matter how well you plan your day, you will not get everything done. I can remember the days when I thought I was a superhero for getting a shower, washing my hair and making dinner in the 9 hours I was home alone with Monkey.

Time for yourself, time for your partner and your friends and family.

The time to read more than the readers digest version of news and articles, time to blog in more detail (this blog post has taken three days to write), time to see movies before they are on DVD....

The loss of "insert own name here": This is the hardest one. I am still me but part of me is missing. I assume all mothers feel like this. I love who I am now but I pine for that little something that made me more ME... (soundtrack here)

I admit I miss swearing - I am proud of my potty mouth. I didn't overuse the words but now I hardly use the words.  Case in  point - burnt my finger badly on the stove and yelled "holy heck that hurt!" The old me would have yelled "Shitting shit-baskets!" I am pretty sure my finger hurt more because of my namby pamby expression of pain!

I miss being the person who could go out at night with friends without having to work around a toddlers schedule, Stud1's work schedule and babysitters...

I miss having interesting things to say at dinner parties. I worked with Special Needs kids and my gosh they are funny and the anecdotes I had were awesome! Now I am that woman who only talks about kids or kid related stuff. I miss having an opinion on things. Having time to form an opinion. 

Having a career.

Having spare cash.

Having an independent income.

All this said and done, I can take these losses. I can live with them. I just need to know I am not the only one feeling them. I need to know that life is not always a bed of roses. Do you feel this way too? Or am I just selfish, self-absorbed or missing the point?


I promise that tomorrow's post on Motherhood will be upbeat. I have one joyous secret of Motherhood to share that trumps the last four!

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 3 : Dark Days

about 6 months

Judgement - check
Confidence - check

Onto

Dark Days (and nights)

In those books you read, in the great advice you were given, in all the judgements you have made, I bet you never noticed that there is very little information on coping with the bad days or nights.

Those days where we would rather be cleaning toilets in a night club in (insert grotty clubbing district here) or giving a cow an enema. Or think that baby, partner and the world would be better off if we were not here. We have all wanted to hit baby after the 9th wake up of the night or the 5th consecutive hour of crying. We have all felt the urge to scream at our baby/toddler/husband:

"This is all your f*cking fault!"

I have and probably will again.

We have all failed in our "vision of motherhood"


There are so many things I have done that make me feel like a terrible mum, but then I look at Monkey - he is happy, loved, confident, bright, curious, adventurous and empathetic. After all the things I have done wrong, he is still the best kid I know.

As long as I can say that, I think I am doing pretty damn well.

If your child is happy, knows that he/she is loved and that he/she is valued in your life... You are doing a great job!

I also believe that any mum who says they have never felt resentment, a sense of loss or anger against their child or partner is deluding herself. No one is that perfect and if you are denying those feelings and suppressing them, they are going to erupt in a bad way... Be kind to yourself, admit your failings and move on.

No one is a perfect mother. You are, however, the perfect mother for your child!

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 2: Confidence

Monkey at 3 months.

Ok so we have covered judgement and the need to measure ourselves and others against unspoken benchmarks. Let's progress onto some guidelines to make your life a little easier and cut down on Mummy Guilt!

At the beginning of my journey into blogging I wrote a post "My Booklet of Parenting."

I am poaching the content and expanding some of the points.

Becoming confident in your abilities!

1. Bugger everyone else, trust your gut – It took me a long time to realise this (especially through the fog of PND) - YOU are the expert on YOUR child. Your gut instincts are what you should follow. Not the well meaning advice in books, from family, from strangers or the web. If you don't feel right doing something, DON'T do it!
   While doing this is helpful, I discovered something that works really well, but is very hard to do.
   
   
   If you are struggling to be confident in your mothering style and you have friends who consistently knock your confidence and make you feel like a failure - cut your ties with them. You deserve support and positivity. You do NOT need negativity.
   
   
   It's hard to cut ties but it helps. 
   Trust me. 
   I have had to do it, otherwise I would have succumbed to the worst during the Twilight Zone period.
2. Go with the flow, even when the flow you're going with is upstream. It is hard work to stick to your convictions when you are the only one who holds them dear. I believe that if you are happy with your choice, your baby is happy. Find supportive communities online, find one other mother who is a co-sleeping, attached parenting mum  or a structured, note taking mum - trying to word it right as I am not sure how to without sounding like I am bashing that choice :(  Once you find your kindred spirit you will feel better about everything!
   
   
3. Don't cling to your pre-baby ideals... Allow yourself to learn from your baby. Trying to force your will on them will backfire. Like the old saying about square peg, round hole... it's bloody hard work and one or the other will break or crack. I believe that babies are people from the start and their personalities are there from birth... You need to be adaptable, parent the child you have and not the one from the book you read or the one you dreamed of having. If you are feeling challenged by your 3 week old - it's probably a lesson you have needed to learn and this is how the universe has decided to teach it to you!
   
   
4. Laugh! It's easier said than done some days but it is the best thing to do. Whether it's a dumb sitcom after baby is asleep or while baby is feeding or whether it's a Tickle Monster attack when Monkey is driving me nuts and I'm considering staple-gunning him to the ceiling. LAUGH! Like you mean it! Confidence can be faked. Laughter can't. Be happy, you are a mum. You are loved unconditionally by that little person and you are the most important person in his/her life.
   
   Welcome to the life of a VIP!
   
   

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 1: Judgement

Monkey at two weeks old.

This weekend will see thousands of husbands panicking and driving to the Warehouse at 8:57pm on Saturday to buy a tiny box of chocolates and the only bottle of bubble bath in the country. No, we haven't travelled back in time to February, we're heading to Mother's Day.

This week I am hoping to write a few posts about Motherhood. Some will be hallmark moments and others will hopefully encourage debate... Or at least make you think.

(As always my disclaimer is that this is my blog and I generally type and hit publish... these are my thoughts and as such are definitely not gospel!)

The secret of Motherhood is that no-one knows anything everything about it. No-one has the same experiences and no-one knows what you are going through. They can all empathise but NO ONE knows what it is like for you.

It is the only job where the handbooks make it worse. It is the only job where you do not get danger pay or any pay at all. In fact being a mother can cost you - career-wise, emotionally, physically and often it affects your relationship with others - friends without kids, friends with kids, your parents and husband.

It is the only job where anyone and everyone will have an opinion or critique on what you are doing. There are very few pats on the back coming your way. Be prepared to be kicked when you are at the lowest of the low. But there will be meteor showers of joy when you are noticed doing something right.

It is an open secret that EVERY mother is judging you. Those that deny it are lying to themselves. Trust me - you are being judged for any and more of these reasons.

• planned pregnancy
• unplanned pregnancy
• change your diet
• don't change your diet
• hospital midwife
• private midwife
• midwife
• obstetrician
• hospital birth
• home birth
• induced birth
• natural birth
• pain killers
• no pain killers
• intervention
• Elective C-section
• emergency C-section
• VBAC
• using disposables
• using MCN
• breastfeeding
• bottle feeding 
• attached parenting
• regimented parenting (not sure if that's the word)
• going with the flow
• co-sleeping
• bassinet
• cot
• hammock
• own room
• your room

Ok, having covered your pregnancy and the first 3 days of your baby's life, would you like me to carry on or do you see what I mean?

You are judged and you have judged others (don't lie... it'll be our little secret)

My theory is that it is healthy. If you don't judge, it means that you are not secure in your choices... Judgement is not bad, it's human. The bad part is the way we judge. If we judge and then condemn the other parent, that is bad, hurtful and damaging to both of you. If we judge, accept the differences and move on... that is adult, helpful to both you and the other parent and freeing. 

Having a different opinion to someone else and being secure enough to still hang out and be friends is easier said than done. But if you can do it... Everyone benefits.