Monday 2 May 2011

In which the secrets of Motherhood are revealed - Part 1: Judgement

Monkey at two weeks old.

This weekend will see thousands of husbands panicking and driving to the Warehouse at 8:57pm on Saturday to buy a tiny box of chocolates and the only bottle of bubble bath in the country. No, we haven't travelled back in time to February, we're heading to Mother's Day.

This week I am hoping to write a few posts about Motherhood. Some will be hallmark moments and others will hopefully encourage debate... Or at least make you think.

(As always my disclaimer is that this is my blog and I generally type and hit publish... these are my thoughts and as such are definitely not gospel!)

The secret of Motherhood is that no-one knows anything everything about it. No-one has the same experiences and no-one knows what you are going through. They can all empathise but NO ONE knows what it is like for you.

It is the only job where the handbooks make it worse. It is the only job where you do not get danger pay or any pay at all. In fact being a mother can cost you - career-wise, emotionally, physically and often it affects your relationship with others - friends without kids, friends with kids, your parents and husband.

It is the only job where anyone and everyone will have an opinion or critique on what you are doing. There are very few pats on the back coming your way. Be prepared to be kicked when you are at the lowest of the low. But there will be meteor showers of joy when you are noticed doing something right.

It is an open secret that EVERY mother is judging you. Those that deny it are lying to themselves. Trust me - you are being judged for any and more of these reasons.

  • planned pregnancy
  • unplanned pregnancy
  • change your diet
  • don't change your diet
  • hospital midwife
  • private midwife
  • midwife
  • obstetrician
  • hospital birth
  • home birth
  • induced birth
  • natural birth
  • pain killers
  • no pain killers
  • intervention
  • Elective C-section
  • emergency C-section
  • VBAC
  • using disposables
  • using MCN
  • breastfeeding
  • bottle feeding 
  • attached parenting
  • regimented parenting (not sure if that's the word)
  • going with the flow
  • co-sleeping
  • bassinet
  • cot
  • hammock
  • own room
  • your room
Ok, having covered your pregnancy and the first 3 days of your baby's life, would you like me to carry on or do you see what I mean?

You are judged and you have judged others (don't lie... it'll be our little secret)

My theory is that it is healthy. If you don't judge, it means that you are not secure in your choices... Judgement is not bad, it's human. The bad part is the way we judge. If we judge and then condemn the other parent, that is bad, hurtful and damaging to both of you. If we judge, accept the differences and move on... that is adult, helpful to both you and the other parent and freeing. 

Having a different opinion to someone else and being secure enough to still hang out and be friends is easier said than done. But if you can do it... Everyone benefits.


  1. I read that list and gave a little sigh as it all rang true! Great post indeed! I read this today: and i did judge, which i later felt bad for as i don't know her nor her circumstance. Difference of opinion is what keeps people reading/watching the news/interested in the world.

  2. Very well said. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done and never feel secure in what I am doing and always "comparing" to others

  3. Hi I am visiting from SITS, Love this post... and the list enjoy them while you can because they grow up do fast...

  4. Hey, Just want to say I just stumbled across your blog from Kiwi Mummys - and I love it. I have particularly enjoyed your posts on Motherhood (i'm pregnant) and it is so crazy refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is and help to prepare me. I hope once I begin to go through it, I can use honesty to help encourage others too like you have done :)


Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I try to reply to as many as I can either here or by email. <3 LJx