Thursday, 3 January 2019

Gilded Heart

Gilded Heart

You asked me what words are burnt into my skin,

Invisible tattoos inked by cruelty, masked in kindness and love -

Of the expectations of an airbrushed compassion,

Filtered by the lens of a camera held by those who are not in my heart

By others who have never felt its beat, the strength of my hugs nor the softness of my hands as I hold truths, dreams and fears of those who have dared to open up to me,

You asked me, and they drifted to the top,

Word after word

Filled with shame, sadness, loss, guilt and

Anger

Because I cannot believe the words burnt into their beautiful skin,

Their tattoos made visible under the lights and in the soft purple pastel

Because their voices should not break,

Their hands should not shake as they hold their grief close, pulled to their chest,

Their hearts shouldn't leak silver in the flash of the camera, rolling down their cheeks onto the words no one, but they, believe are truths

But then, you asked for the words I wanted to have tattooed on my skin,

In my heart

And as I wiped my allocated three away, to be replaced by my golden truths

I felt a lightness,

As their voices changed

And their words of love flowed into their naked skin

Whispers of who they would become, echoing under the lights and caught in gold pastel,

Their fierceness shown in accepting vulnerability and love

Now

My words are chosen and I write them with care,

Neat letters on the softness of my skin,

Because my life is not less because of the expectations of airbrushed perfection,

Of the words given to me to wear like a cloak of invisibility,

To fit the smallest of boxes,

To ease the self loathing and insecurities of others,

To force me to become less, want less, and finally

My words are chosen and I wear them now close to my heart.

For I am here,

Gilded,

Authentic, beloved and free.

Written after a session with A La Mojo Studios.

Crumbling differences

Crumbling differences

Just because you've never felt my skin under yours doesn't mean you won't find your way around the map that is me.

Just because you've held my wrists in one hand and throat in the other doesn't mean my submission is to you not my demons.

Just because your fingers have been in me doesn't mean you know me inside and out.

Just because you've filled my mouth, with whispered words and more, doesn't mean they are more me than me.

Just because you've held my head, as you've gasped, fingers tangled, doesn't mean you caught me.

Just because you've counted the times I've broken, breath caught, released, doesn't mean you know how much I am worth.

Just because you've tasted us on my tongue doesn't mean we're the flavour of the month, we're still just you. And me.

Just because you've praised divinity more times tonight than you've said my name, doesn't mean you're closer to God than me.

Just because I've called you at midnight, to hear your voice run its fingers down my spine,

Just because you've said the right words, doesn't mean I've heard you say differently in my head, as I've rehearsed what I could say in return.

Just because we've danced on the edges of the crumbling difference between wrong and right, doesn't mean we're falling together.

Work in Progress, December 2018.

Updated, January 2019

© LattejunkieNZ

Just because

Just because

Just because I've called you at midnight, to hear your voice run its fingers down my spine,

Just because I've pulled you closer in my sleep, hand on your heart to feel its beat echo mine

Just because I've watched you as your back arches to bring you closer to my centre

Just because I've tasted you as your body shudders in time with the flicking of my tongue

Just because I've breathed you in as you've sighed my name as my body calls to yours

Just because I've woken to you trailing fire on my skin and the navy blue of your eyes watching for the goosebumps

Just because I've knelt at your feet and begged for your hand in my hair and affirmation

Just because I've drowned in the sounds of your pleasure and gasped my way to the surface

Doesn't mean I need you.

©LatteJunkie2019

Wednesday, 21 November 2018

Trigger

His lips formed the names of deities,

They danced with sweetened endearments,

As they traced the outline of her face,

As they breathed in the moment of breaking -

The rhythm of togetherness

In hand, breast and dark warmth

Her voice broke the silent coding, the hidden trigger

Pulled as she sighed his name

As she traced the line of his spine

And the curve of his shoulder

And she flooded with feeling,

Forgetting that it was only for that night.

Saturday, 8 September 2018

How to change the world

How to change the world:

Speak clearly and with conviction but
Don't sound too confident, you don't want to sound bossy do you?
Don't call him on being rude or overbearing,
He's showing you he cares, by treating you as less
Stand up straight, shoulders open, take up space, but
Put one foot in front of the other, dip your hip, curve your shoulders so that your collar bones have a shadow, tongue to the top of your palate and smile
Smile but don't smile too much, he'll think you're flirty or ditsy
Wear clothes that make you feel good but
Don't wear anything too bright, short, revealing or provocative
Stand your ground but learn to capitulate, his ego won't take it well
Do your best, but remember boys don't like to be beaten
Be sexually confident but
Don't experiment, buy toys or have too many relationships
Initiate conversation but
Don't talk about yourself too much.
Learn to do it yourself but
He'll feel bad if you do it without asking him for help
Be true to yourself but
Don't let your life goals impact on his
Be the change he wants to see in his world.

Friday, 7 September 2018

Together is

Together is

Together is
Easy words, fleeting loneliness,
Holding hands, candlelight
Slow dancing and learning lyrics
Discomfort, housework,
Using your inside voice and
Putting the toilet seat down

Together is
Crying, hurting and forgiving
Coffee dates, tea in bed,
Cold toast and runny eggs
Tissues, plasters and air freshener
Holding a door, a hand and biting your tongue

Together is
Shared playlists and Netflix passwords
Opening jars, minds and intentional communication
Code words, safe words and fewer excuses
Super king duvets, throw pillows and the shelf you swore would fit all the books

Together is
Making memories, promises and taking action
A kind heart and gentle truths,
Broken hearts, glue guns and No More Gaps
Learning to love that colour,
those shoes and that shirt

Together is
Following a map,
Getting lost, lighting matches
Toasting marshmallows and burnt egos
Risk, monopoly, poker faces
Losing badly and winning well

Together is
An effort, a complication,
A reminder, a password
An ambition
A safe haven, a home
A love
And three words
You and me.

In the dark.

In the dark.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
In my chaotic heart
To be held, phone lighting the sand,

When your arms found me
As I began to fall apart.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To be there again
On that beach,
Crying….Again….
And how it felt like home.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To feel you breathe under my cheek
As I watched the waves,
And to feel your hand tracing circles
As you held me in that moment.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To want to step back,
Because you are my safety net;
And I owe you more than you'll ever ask for.
And because I am too scared to lose you.
But maybe, just maybe, you do need me as much as I need you.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To stare at the stars, holding back tears,
Feeling the warmth of you
As you stood near enough to hear my doubt.

And I'd tell you the truth, about how it feels when you smile
And I am reminded that I love you.
And there is no explanation to make that truth more true -

Than your strength,
Whispered on a beach,
With silver waves and the light of a phone -
Because you know that I can't see in the dark.


©LattejunkieNZ 2018

Together

It confuses me still

And it confuses me still,
That practiced pause in your argument.
The sudden switch to voiced concern
To check that I am focused and ok -

Ok to let you continue telling me when, and where,
We were standing the first time you doubted.
How you felt the first time you loved another -

And another -

And another -

And came home to tell me why you had to feel and do.
Because,
I was not doing more
To make you feel like you were part of a whole.

And how I should breathe deeper to smell the scent of their skin
And the Dutch courage it took to allow yourself that release.

About how I should feel guilt
and blame only myself,
Because I made you do this.

Because I get caught in a word or a phrase
And I think I'm doing better at holding us together.
Until you pause to make sure

I'm

Listening

To

Hear

How I should take the blame today.


© LattejunkieNZ 2018

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Twin

Her voice carries over the sound of wheels on wet tar,
Over the shift of a bag, a guitar slung over a shoulder,
Knee hitting the body of the other bag, rhythmically
Part knell, part heartbeat,
Driving him to the hill,
To the two lakes,
To her last wish.
To set her loose,
to allow himself to become one.
No longer tied to him, no longer tied to anything,
More than that, to let her be apart from him,
but a part of all.
For him to be one for the first time.

Origami Hearts

Origami Heart

You tore a page from our book
With paint stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With ink stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With grass stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With cigarette stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With oil stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With tear stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With a stranger's fingers
And folded an origami box

And now we no longer have a book, but -

A box full of hearts
Made from our story
Which tear as I open them
Trying to find the page
Or sentence that shows
Where it all changed,
Where the plot twisted
Where the story ended

You tore a page from our book
And made a box of hearts
But all I have left
Is paper cuts
And confetti hearts.