Monday, 11 August 2014

Untitled, about you.

do you ever write about me?
the question hangs there
over my head and i wait for it to fall, gallows-quick
my mouth opens and the words no, never, why and which one did you read?
tumble out one after the other as my heart yells
Yes.
YES.
In everything there is a part of you
your voice, slow and patient, angry and quick
your smile - tempting and enticing
the curve of your hip, the way your skin looks in the sunlight
they find their way into my words
they are a part of me, of you

Yes, again, yes
in every line there is a piece of you
that thing you did last tuesday that pissed me off
the time you cupped my face in your hand
the way your hand moves when you think I'm driving badly
your sigh when you taste your first sip of a good coffee
they're always in my words

And yes, yes,
sometimes you will know it's you
sometimes you will think it's him or her or them
and sometimes you'll be right
and sometimes it will be about a man on a bike in the rain
or a girl I saw on a bus by the sea.

And I will always worry that you'll recognise yourself in the one that
breaks your heart or makes you angry
or worse, that you'll see him in the one you love
or the one that was always meant for you.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

too tired

too tired.
eyes aching.
hands clumsy.
head thumping.
tongue sharp.
thoughts sluggish.
feet trying to walk back the way I came
back to your arms
which were never mine
except for when I was too tired.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Redacted Love

Let's stop pretending
don't love you
and you don't love me
let's admit the truth 
tell the world that we have
loved each other for almost
forever. 

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Cannot Forget

Cannot Forget

"We always have one" she said
draining another glass
"That one that stays with us,
in the back-to-front parts of our regret-blackened hearts.
the one who never saw us
for less than the sum of everything we'd let them see.
The one who knew us better than we knew ourselves.
Because we chose to be vulnerably real to them.
They live in the tears we cry at 3am after a night of laughing.
In a joke we can barely remember, they wait, holding the punchline in their eyes
They are in a shadow that falls across our faces
when we look too long at the candle or fire's flames.
They are in the moment we look at our lover
and cannot remember why they're in our bed.
They are in the whisper of song that brushes our skin,
like the warmth of a soft sigh.
They tear at us like a sandstorm on deserted beach
reminding us what it was like when we were young,
when we were too dumb to know what we had,
what we were playing with, playing for and
eventually what the real cost would be.
Darling, we always have one we cannot allow ourselves to forget."

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Never yours - a poem

Never Yours.

when you get quiet and I get angry
I try to picture you naked 
to see you as no one has seen you before
to try to feel more than this sucking anger
but your words clothe you
they cover you in colours that mar your skin
that trace patterns to deflect 
how I feel when I look at you in anger
and detract from 
how much I want to see you weakened
vulnerable
but instead of feeling the burning heat of this moment 
I feel a chilling cold, a sadness that breaks my heart
as your words are another veil 
another way to keep me on the outside of you

when you get quiet, I can't hold onto the anger
it seeps into sorrow and drips between my fingers
onto my naked skin
never yours.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Tomorrow

Tomorrow:

If tomorrow were to be Judgement Day
I think I know what you’d say -
You’d say I should have spent my life with you
And sailed the deep oceans of blue
Together we should have roamed the seas
And brought the world to its knees
with our acts of love and laughter
that would have filled our forever after
in the stories that they’d write about
us. to prove to those who find it easy to doubt
that the cost of true love is worth the pain
and the times we had to walk in the rain
to find our way back to the path by the sea
the cost of being us worth more than the loneliness of being me….

Monday, 28 July 2014

If I keep staring into the sun

If I keep staring into the sun

If I keep staring into the sun
You won't see the shadows that cross my face
You'll think I'm looking forward,
The shadows are falling behind me
And things are brighter than they were

If I keep staring into the sun,
I can blame it for the burning in my eyes
For the tears that threaten to fall
I can pretend to not feel the cold fear
That grips my heart and catches my breath

If I keep staring into to the sun
I will be blinded to the future,
It will be haloed in brightness
That will disguise the darkness.

If I keep staring into the sun
I will know when the clouds roll in
I'll feel the loss of the brightness,
In the same way I feel the heat fade
When you leave,



Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Intimacy - a poem

Intimacy.

he slowly opened his chest
pulled out that which was hidden inside -
the broken and the blackened
the polished and the cared for
were laid at her feet
covered in shrouds of words,
erratic thoughts and expectations.
he shielded himself with a choked joke
wrapped his arms around himself
as she picked through the treasures
he'd placed in front of her
she knew that he'd never let anyone see this much of him
that this was an honour never to be shared
she touched it all, trembling at the responsibility,
she saw the appalling beauty and the terrific horror
of what he kept within his chest, in his heart
and she loved him more

The Cottage - Whangaimoana - Palliser Bay Road.


 This past weekend mriceguy and I took a few days out from the reality of life and went to The Cottage on the Whangaimoana Estate. We left Zac in the capable hands of Griffball and Monkey had his usual weekend with his dad.

It was the most idyllic break. We were surrounded by quiet. It was a 40 minute drive to the nearest flat white and muffin. There was no reception for my carrier and there was no internet. It was us, novels and a fireplace. We spent time relaxing and going on scary drives through areas with active slips and past seals and waves crashing over the road.


It was the best weekend away and I can't wait to go again when all the daffodils are out.


I had forgotten how easy mindfulness and meditation is when you can stare into flames...

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Away.

he watched her walk away
his hand raised and fell to his side
a fist formed,
angry with himself for not calling her name
he turned away
as she turned back .
she saw his clenched fists
his squared shoulders
her smile faded
she turned away
angry with herself for wanting him to stay.