Monday, 28 July 2014

If I keep staring into the sun

If I keep staring into the sun

If I keep staring into the sun
You won't see the shadows that cross my face
You'll think I'm looking forward,
The shadows are falling behind me
And things are brighter than they were

If I keep staring into the sun,
I can blame it for the burning in my eyes
For the tears that threaten to fall
I can pretend to not feel the cold fear
That grips my heart and catches my breath

If I keep staring into to the sun
I will be blinded to the future,
It will be haloed in brightness
That will disguise the darkness.

If I keep staring into the sun
I will know when the clouds roll in
I'll feel the loss of the brightness,
In the same way I feel the heat fade
When you leave,



Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Intimacy - a poem

Intimacy.

he slowly opened his chest
pulled out that which was hidden inside -
the broken and the blackened
the polished and the cared for
were laid at her feet
covered in shrouds of words,
erratic thoughts and expectations.
he shielded himself with a choked joke
wrapped his arms around himself
as she picked through the treasures
he'd placed in front of her
she knew that he'd never let anyone see this much of him
that this was an honour never to be shared
she touched it all, trembling at the responsibility,
she saw the appalling beauty and the terrific horror
of what he kept within his chest, in his heart
and she loved him more

The Cottage - Whangaimoana - Palliser Bay Road.


 This past weekend mriceguy and I took a few days out from the reality of life and went to The Cottage on the Whangaimoana Estate. We left Zac in the capable hands of Griffball and Monkey had his usual weekend with his dad.

It was the most idyllic break. We were surrounded by quiet. It was a 40 minute drive to the nearest flat white and muffin. There was no reception for my carrier and there was no internet. It was us, novels and a fireplace. We spent time relaxing and going on scary drives through areas with active slips and past seals and waves crashing over the road.


It was the best weekend away and I can't wait to go again when all the daffodils are out.


I had forgotten how easy mindfulness and meditation is when you can stare into flames...

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Away.

he watched her walk away
his hand raised and fell to his side
a fist formed,
angry with himself for not calling her name
he turned away
as she turned back .
she saw his clenched fists
his squared shoulders
her smile faded
she turned away
angry with herself for wanting him to stay.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Gravity - a poem

that which holds me closest to earth
is the gravity in your voice as you lean
closer to me
to my words
and tell me that it will all be okay

it's the gravity that stops me spiraling away
that holds me down 
fixing my thoughts 
to things that matter more
than everything and nothing

even when i cannot hear
more than what is said
the inferences lost to the wind
and the noise in my head
the gravity pulls me closer
to what is most important 

that which holds me closest to you
is the sound of your voice drowning out mine
and theirs. 
yours pulls me together
holds me safe 
and secure
attached to the world 

it tells me i am important
that you care
that you notice me 
and that you love me
the gravity pulls me to you



Saturday, 5 July 2014

Appreciation of Disassociation and Lessons Learnt.

Appreciation of Disassociation and Lessons Learnt.

Thank you.
No, really, thank you!
Thank you for being more than you should have.
For being so kind. So helpful. For being such a good friend.
For all the times you held me together.
For the nights and days we spent talking.
Thank you for being you. For being so perfect all the time.
For never breaking, never showing me the cracks, only the veneer.
Thank you for holding back. For protecting yourself.
For hiding behind boundaries and words.
For being afraid to let anyone in.
Thank you for not being honest with yourself.
For leaving me alone, again, on a limb, on the edge.
For not being here anymore because you couldn't bear the imperfections of your life
Thank you for not loving me enough to let me in
or to wait for me.

Thank ME for loving you.

***

Fuck you.
No, really, fuck you!
Fuck you for being more than you should have.
For being so kind. So helpful. For being such a good friend.
For all the times you held me together.
For the nights and days we spent talking.
Fuck you for being you. For being so perfect all the time.
For never breaking, never showing me the cracks, only the veneer.
Fuck you for holding back. For protecting yourself.
For hiding behind boundaries and words.
For being afraid to let anyone in.
Fuck you for not being honest with yourself.
For leaving me alone, again, on a limb, on the edge.
For not being here anymore because you couldn't bear the imperfections of your life
Fuck you for not loving me enough to let me in
or to wait for me.
Fuck me for loving you.

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Rambling.

"I like to walk backwards," he said as we wandered down the road
"it's like seeing where you've been in a way you've never seen it before
it keeps the future in the future and pulls the past back into the present
you don't trip over the things you've already tripped over
and you don't know what you're going to trip over next
because it hasn't happened yet"
I smiled and nodded, held his hand and tried to steer him in the future while he looked at today.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

At The Edge Of The World - a poem

At the edge of the world

At the edge of the world
She stood
Naming all the rocks below her
Naming them for the people she loved
When they ran out
She named them for her hopes
And then her fears

At the edge of the world
She watched the waves
lovingly embracing the names
until they were drowned
and out of sight

At the edge of the world
She stood and, finally, jumped -
Knowing who would kill her
What would kill her
And why.

Monday, 30 June 2014

today i sat and watched it rain
water ran down the glass
it pooled on the ground
the smell of coffee filled the room
with warmth and bitterness
and i remembered to forget you
again

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

A song and a poem for you.



 Ceiling.
 One day I will write everything 
I need you to know about who you are to others
on the ceiling of your bedroom.
Every night when you struggle to fall asleep
you will read my words
and you will know 
who you are
how much you are loved
and how worthy you are.