Disclaimer - this post is probably too personal and will offend some people! But not enough to turn my blog R18 :)
Yesterday, as I was driving home from an impromptu trip to the zoo, I was composing blog posts in my head. I was toying with spilling my guts about how I have discovered that Prince Charming doesn't exist. That there are very seldom any happy endings and that the world is often a wicked Step Mother who either wants you to disappear or croak it!
When I got home I found this article waiting in my reader - The Awakening. Go on take a moment to read it... I'll wait; but please come back...
I was struck by this line -
Enough fighting and crying! You are tired of struggling to hold on.
I am tired of the constant fighting. I am tired of struggling to hold on to something that is (seemingly) not valued by the other party. I am tired of feeling like the only one making an obvious attempt to salvage our life together.
Further on I read -
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
It's true, the universe does give you the tools you need, right at the moment you need them most. I haven't been coping well, the twilight zone has well and truly reappeared and I want out of my life.Not permanently, just long enough to breathe and feel like me, not Mummy, Wife, Crap Housewife, Useless Friend, Far-Flung Daughter. The guilt at trying to be there for Stud1 and then screwing up Monkey's routines and vice versa has been eating away at me. I feel like I fail both of them daily.
But last night I decided to start setting boundaries. I have started small. I'm not going to play the role of taxi driver in the evenings, if Stud1 works late, he walks home. (Our last bus to our suburb is at 18:30 - if he misses the 17:45 train he misses the bus and we fetch him, throwing off Monkey's bedtime etc)
It sounds harsh, I know, but the stress of not knowing if he's going to be late or not, whether it's ok to run a little late with Monkey's dinner, whether I have time to shower him or bath him, has caused a lot of resentment on my part. I like having Monkey in a simple routine at bedtime. But waiting for a text/ sms (usually at the last minute) has created an environment which is not good for Monkey. I get pissed at Stud1 and then as he isn't here, my aggression/frustration is taken out on Monkey.
Last week I came about an inch away from punching him because he was whining about something inane... He's nearly three, most of his whining is inane - and usually easily ignored or diverted. I hate being the mother who yells, I never want to be the mother who hits, pinches or emotionally scars her kid.
For this reason, I am creating boundaries. Small ones, but they are built on stone.
Maybe having simple boundaries will encourage mutual respect and start building new foundations...