As a woman I feel it is my right to be feeling a fair few things at once. Hopefully I am not alone in this.
I am feeling happy. Happy that I saw my mom on Skype for the first time in six years. Happy that she finally got to see her grandson in “real” life. Happy that he behaved and that he was happy to see her too. Very happy that we finally managed to get a skype call organised on her birthday... It's has never happened before as she has no internet access at home.
I am feeling guilty. Guilty that this was the first time she has seen Monkey. Guilty because the call was at dinner time our time so he wasn't as “on the ball” as he could have been. Guilty that I wasn't the one taking her out for lunch on her birthday. Guilty that Monkey has a grandparent he has never met. Guilty... guilty... guilty...
I am feeling determined. I am determined to have her come to NZ and stay with us. I am determined to get to South Africa for my friend's wedding. Determined that my treatment by means of Traditional Chinese Medicine is going to continue to work. That the last week's worth of best sleep EVER will continue. That the five kilograms I have lost WILL stay off.
I am feeling excited. Excited about going home. About Christmas. About Uncle Rocket Scientist's impending
invasion visit. I am
even more excited to see what type of uncle he's going to be.
(My money is on hands-on but we'll see :D )
I am feeling loved. By an overly enthusiastic Monkey. Stud1 has been more openly affectionate and I am loving the attention. I am feeling loved by my mom who sent me a gorgeous text message this morning. I think that, above all, I am love that I feel I am loved.
I am confident that this is enough. That I can work through the guilt and focus on the happiness and excitement that is filling my heart, with a determination born of being loved.
Guilt is always close by. But determination, confidence, happiness and excitement... they will help get you beyond the guilt. Always!ReplyDelete
There are always mixed emotions. It is difficult / sad when family members are not seen often and they miss out on important events. All of my family are in the South Island and sadly I don't see them enough.ReplyDelete
What a great post! Can you please email me? I want to share something with you about your determined bit, but not here (will explain).ReplyDelete
Oh i love that line "i am confident i am enough". That is pretty had to admit, feel & genuinely display. I think that can only make all your relationships soar - with your family, children, friendships. I'm all about fully embracing my low maintenance friends, who just love me for me, not what i can do, say, offer them.ReplyDelete
I have a brother who is a rocket scientist too. He's my eldest brother & his children are 21, 19 & 16, he's the most amazing & hands on father, the way he explained things to the children when they were younger, he's so patient & incredibly social.
I know you must feel guilty that your mother hasn't met your child, but that is life, finances, distance, just cherish the fact you have a relationship with her & want her to meet your child!! My mummy has Alzheimer's now & doesn't know who any of her 14 grandchildren are anymore, that is crushing. I've spent the last 13 years living interstate & am at peace that i'm not guilty for not exposing our chidlren to her & vice versa, constantly, as circumstances just didn't allow it. It's most certainly quality over quantity, love Posie
I think it's a woman's gift to feel many things at once. I think you're entitled to feel however you feel right now, but I love your last line - happiness is always an excellent thing to focus on!ReplyDelete
Guilt creeps up on us all, but I am glad you are happy and loved. I hope your determination carries you far from the guilt and head first into all of that love!ReplyDelete
I am so glad that you are happy and loved. I know that guilt can creep into our bodies, but focusing on the positive will certainly help.ReplyDelete
Hugs x Skype is incredible and so happy you managed to make it work for your Mum to see Monkey x I find myself staring at my folks on the screen and feel quite speechless at times.ReplyDelete