As a woman I feel it is my right to be feeling a fair few things at once. Hopefully I am not alone in this.
I am feeling happy. Happy that I saw my mom on Skype for the first time in six years. Happy that she finally got to see her grandson in “real” life. Happy that he behaved and that he was happy to see her too. Very happy that we finally managed to get a skype call organised on her birthday... It's has never happened before as she has no internet access at home.
I am feeling guilty. Guilty that this was the first time she has seen Monkey. Guilty because the call was at dinner time our time so he wasn't as “on the ball” as he could have been. Guilty that I wasn't the one taking her out for lunch on her birthday. Guilty that Monkey has a grandparent he has never met. Guilty... guilty... guilty...
I am feeling determined. I am determined to have her come to NZ and stay with us. I am determined to get to South Africa for my friend's wedding. Determined that my treatment by means of Traditional Chinese Medicine is going to continue to work. That the last week's worth of best sleep EVER will continue. That the five kilograms I have lost WILL stay off.
I am feeling excited. Excited about going home. About Christmas. About Uncle Rocket Scientist's impending
invasion visit. I am
even more excited to see what type of uncle he's going to be.
(My money is on hands-on but we'll see :D )
I am feeling loved. By an overly enthusiastic Monkey. Stud1 has been more openly affectionate and I am loving the attention. I am feeling loved by my mom who sent me a gorgeous text message this morning. I think that, above all, I am love that I feel I am loved.
I am confident that this is enough. That I can work through the guilt and focus on the happiness and excitement that is filling my heart, with a determination born of being loved.