I had hoped that it would pass. That with time we would learn, as mothers, parents, to balance things. To feel less guilt.
As it turns out it cycles. Just when you find yourself thinking you've got it all sussed and the scales are balancing – something comes up and knocks the scales off kilter.
For me it was separation. It brought up all levels of guilt. From the guilt of “dooming my child to become a statistic” to the guilt of having to so “no we can't go to the movies” and the myriad in between.
Compounding that is the guilt I feel about becoming a working mum... something which was on the cards but it would have been more planned – less kneejerk. Having said that I have managed to work with X and have it be a gradual thing for Monkey. But I still feel guilty – knowing I won't be able to help at school, or go on trips...
And the guilt I feel to my friends – for not having the time or the resources to spend time with them or to be more than the person on the other end of a text, g-talk or FB message.
I get told to not sweat the small stuff because it's all the small stuff. That it's not going to matter in 10 years time. But I can't see that. I see it affecting Monkey now. I see it affecting my relationships now. I see it affecting me, now. And I feel guilty because I feel guilty. And if this is all the small stuff how do I know what's important??
I know it's because I like to be sure that everyone is happy and ok all the time. I know it's because I worry that my special people will feel left out or that I am not paying x or y enough attention. That somehow I am failing someone somewhere.
I know it's not healthy and I know people will try to tell me not to stress about it but I do.
Sometimes I feel torn in two. Between what I want to do and what I believe I should do...