In eleven hours I will be at the airport with Monkey. Captain Awesome is driving us, so that he can see Monkey off at the airport. I am excited about the trip but also scared.
I'm scared of leaving.
I'm scared of going.
I'm scared that only I can see the difference between leaving and going.
I'm scared I won't be able to cope.
I'm scared I will miss my friends too much.
I'm scared I won't fit in at home.
I'm scared I've changed too much.
I'm scared of all sorts of imagined dangers.
I am leaving. I am going. I will cope. I will miss my friends. I will fit in. I have changed. I am braver and stronger than all of the imagined dangers.
I know these things now. I understand myself a little better today. I look at my gorgeous nails and toes and realise that I must be ok because strangers care enough to want to make me happier. I look at my son and know I am a good mother. I look at myself and realise that I am worth more than the way I have been treated. I have let myself settle for too little. I am brave enough now to strive for more in my life.
I will still stumble and fall, but I am getting better at dusting myself off and asking for help to patch me up.
As I said to Grifball on the beach last night.... We are all too afraid to be honest with ourselves, let alone strangers. I call bullshit on that! I am all for honesty from here onwards.
This is my blog, my words, my thoughts... and I am ok with that....