Tuesday, 8 February 2011


My head is full of the crazy today. As the title of this post states - this is a ramble of thoughts and it probably won't make sense... I won't be upset if you don't read it :)

The sadness I feel for Sea and his family's loss is growing. I have been able to get a sitter so that I can go to the funeral. I am relieved that I can go say goodbye but I am also worried about going to a funeral for a child.

It has made me realise how lucky I am that Monkey is healthy and active. It also reminded me that Sea developed normally until a point and then the condition kicked in... As it did for at least three other children I know...

The downside of working with special needs children is that you become very aware of how easily it is to get the genetic soup mix wrong, a little bit of this, a little bit of that and ta-dah you have autism, cerebral palsy, spina bifida, Downs etc...

I spent a long time worrying that he was developing too fast or too slow in other aspects. Everything became a warning sign. I'd remember things that I had heard while teaching and it would fit with our family history. I think it made the PND worse. I was worried for him, I know the system and it never works the way it should.

I wouldn't have loved him less, but I was worried that I would fail him. I was scared I wouldn't be strong enough.

So here I sit with a happy, healthy boy and yet I still worry. Have I put him in Kindy too early. Will it hurt his confidence if I pull him out? I am right in my assesment that it is too much for him at the moment to do three afternoons. Is he just not used to being with other adults? Is the 1:10 ratio too high? Should I pull him out and wait until he's four? Do two afternoons a week? 

There are days I hate being a grownup... It seems that this may be the week for it...

TL;DR - Still sad, still worrying, still love Monkey

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine how hard it would be to say goodbye. Here in the states, we call it PPD (post Partum Depression). I suffered horribly due to a hormonal imbalance, that 4 years later is still being treated. I worry all the time about my little one and I think my hormone imbalance makes this worse.
    This is hard. A child dying is unthinkable. A child you know and care about who died is unfathomable. Take care of you...


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