Sunday 18 August 2013

A litany of excuses, explanations and exclamations...

I've been a bit quiet on here for a while. Life has a lot to answer for these days. I've always sworn that this is the one place I will ALWAYS be honest and share myself. I haven't done that, I've been hiding. I've been trying to avoid answering questions out loud when all I can do is think them. Constantly.

My separation is progressing, slower than I'd hoped for - a quick rip bandaid moment would have been easier to deal with. But it's progressing, egos and drama aside, it's progressing. I'm certain of very few things at the moment but I know that I have Monkey front and centre in my plans for the future. And as I said to a friend the other day - whatever happens, I have to be sure that it's best for him. Whatever happens will be the outcome that will most benefit him.

I had a bit of a set back with anxiety, the "twilight" caught up with me in a bad way at about the time I moved out of our home into a temporary place. I went back on meds after a lot of encouragement from amazing friends. Unfortunately, I've had a rather nasty reaction to them so I'm off them and really itchy. I've made it through some of it, and it's getting better. I just have to trust that it's all going to be ok.

I've been running a community house for four months now. It's not paid. It's meant that money is ridiculously tight. It's been a case of being thrown in the deep end that has yet to get shallower regardless of how much I swim. But it's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have met people who astound me, challenge me and nurture me. I've learnt more about myself in the last four months than I have in years.

Since last October, I've been challenging myself to redefine my view of the world. One of the main focusses for me has been religion. Finding out what I truly believe and what is a learnt/acquired belief. I've had a few incidents that have encouraged me to question more and, as such, I have been trialling a church. So far I've realised I miss my family way more after going to church - so many reminders even in a completely different denomination... I picture my Granny spinning in her grave as the drum kicks in during the worship, but I hear her when we sing Amazing Grace. I realised that I miss singing with others. I have yet to work out what I believe and whether or not I'm even in the right place, but every time I go, I learn something new. There are more questions... sometimes an answer but always another question or five... It's a work in progress I guess.

Thank you for reading this far, I've missed you.

1 comment:

  1. youre in my thoughts and prayers

    keeping moving forwards youll get there

    churches these days tend to have drums I dont think its a bad thing
    theres still some amazing more modern songs that still move us I feel
    and it sounds like there might be a bit of a mixture between old and new which is good
    we all a work in progress
    Im sure youll find some very supportive people there

    all the best


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