The past week has been hard. I've had to learn to let myself remember the person I used to know and push aside the recent events and trust that we can still talk to each other.
It means that from my side each conversation is steeped in sadness and fear - fear that I will be hurt again or that my words will be misheard. Each conversation hurts. Sometimes I can't get through them without crying. Sometimes I can but I'll breakdown later. I feel sad about having to talk about various issues that come with Separation and divorce. I feel sad that we're having these talks over the phone because it's too hard in person. I feel sad because by making myself recognise CA for who he was (and probably still is) I'm reminded of how much everything has changed. It's REALLY hard to trust him. To let myself get into the position where I could get hurt again. But I'm doing it. Probably clumsily and badly but I am doing it.
Tonight I'm sad. I'm sad about a lot of things. But I have to let go of that sadness because it is holding me back. If I don't let it go I won't be able to enjoy the company of a friend tonight. Or seeing people tomorrow. Or reading a book or hearing a song... By clinging to the sadness, I am stuck in the past when all I am sure of is today.
I need to remember the happy things about each day.
Today it was Monkey's request for a cow to replace our lawnmower - short grass, milk and pet all rolled into one. It was the smiles of the kids at kindy when the teachers turned the music up so they could dance. It was Monkey singing the Spiderman theme with Griffball as they dusted spiders off things in the garage. It was having Monkey ask to spend more time with friends of mine - "because they're fun and we all laugh when we're together".