JBE: The Five Hardest Things I Have Ever Done.

Joining up with Just Be Enough in what feels like the first time in years! Although it's probably only one...

The Five Hardest Things I Have Ever Done:

1. I moved overseas knowing, in my heart of hearts, that we would never call South Africa home again. That it meant I would raise a family without having mine near. Nor would I be close to my dearest friends...
   
   
2. I moved to New Zealand with Captain Awesome, without ever having been here. It's very daunting moving somewhere sight unseen. Especially without the support we had when we moved to the UK.
   
3. Not flying back to South Africa for my grandfather's funeral.
    
4. Starting this blog.
   
5. Getting through PND on my own, making it through the really shit times, the awful times and the good times that seemed tarred with the same brush. Related to this is the sixth hardest thing I have ever done - Admitting I needed more help to get over the depression and anxiety that has lingered over the last two years.
   

Lyrical Sunday meets JBE Monday.

Six months ago I accepted a challenge to write a list of ten things I liked about myself. I've re-read it and it feels weird to read it.

The challenge has returned and I am picking up the gauntlet. This may read a little stilted as I am much better at praising others and buoying them up than being nice to myself.

Me, Myself and I... (or things I like about me) 

I am gentle, empathetic and kind.

I am quietly confident about most things.

I am loud, opinionated and colour blind

I am a believer in karma and the universe's ability to bite you in the arse

I am their biggest cheerleader and my harshest critic

I am strong, even if I appear weak at times 

I try to see the good in everything, even if I have to dig really deep.

I am generous with my time, shoulder, ear and hugs.

I am the best mother for my son.

I am learning to be the best wife for my husband.

I am a good friend.

I have been there and seen that. 

I want to go there and see more.

I can embrace change with a bit of encouragement.

I can help pick up the pieces and hold it all together.

I am comfortable being alone.

I like spending time with others.

I am the touchstone for a special few.

LJ 2012

Lyrical Sunday - Me, Myself and I...

This week I am hoping to link my work to Things I like about me...

Hence the subject/prompt for this week is... 

Me, myself and I. 

Who are you? What are you? Where are you? What makes you, you? Why are you enough?

I look forward to seeing your interpretations and feel free to pop over to  Just Be Enough  for inspiration and motivation.

JBE Monday: Supporting vs Pushing your children.

Monkey isn't in "proper" school yet. He's not even in kindy at the moment. He was but then we had to come to Sydney for four months for Stud1's work.

But even though he's not in any form of formal education, I worry.

• Is he getting enough stimulation?
• Is he getting too much stimulation?
• Are we pushing too hard?
• Is he playing enough?
• Is he playing too much?
• Should I be doing more home-school activities?
• Should I just let him do what he wants?
• Should I be guiding him?
• Are we being too lax?
• He's not in a dance/martial arts/art/drama/gym/phonics/music class. Should he be? Which would be best? Jolly Phonics? Letterland? Gymbaroo? Gymnastics? Judo? Karate? Suzuki/Kawasaki/Samsung Method? Classical ballet? Jazz? Hip Hop? Krumping(?) 
• Should we have a piano in the house - neither Stud1 or I can play but Monkey loves the sound and feel of playing our friend's one. 

All of this is matched with my personal and professional view that all children can achieve their own greatness if given the support and extension they need, when they need it and that kick up the butt that most kids need at some point in their lives.

I hope that what we are doing for him and with him is enough. We may be judged as doing too little by some or too much by others but in my heart I know that he is learning, he is bright and engaged and that he is happy. And that is enough for now. 

JBE Monday - I am feeling.

I am feeling... this is the prompt over at Just Be Enough for this week.

As a woman I feel it is my right to be feeling a fair few things at once. Hopefully I am not alone in this.

I am feeling happy. Happy that I saw my mom on Skype for the first time in six years. Happy that she finally got to see her grandson in “real” life. Happy that he behaved and that he was happy to see her too. Very happy that we finally managed to get a skype call organised on her birthday... It's has never happened before as she has no internet access at home.

I am feeling guilty. Guilty that this was the first time she has seen Monkey. Guilty because the call was at dinner time our time so he wasn't as “on the ball” as he could have been. Guilty that I wasn't the one taking her out for lunch on her birthday. Guilty that Monkey has a grandparent he has never met. Guilty... guilty... guilty...

I am feeling determined. I am determined to have her come to NZ and stay with us. I am determined to get to South Africa for my friend's wedding. Determined that my treatment by means of Traditional Chinese Medicine is going to continue to work. That the last week's worth of best sleep EVER will continue. That the five kilograms I have lost WILL stay off.

I am feeling excited. Excited about going home. About Christmas. About Uncle Rocket Scientist's impending invasion visit. I am even more excited to see what type of uncle he's going to be. (My money is on hands-on but we'll see :D )

I am feeling loved. By an overly enthusiastic Monkey. Stud1 has been more openly affectionate and I am loving the attention. I am feeling loved by my mom who sent me a gorgeous text message this morning. I think that, above all, I am love that I feel I am loved.

I am confident that this is enough. That I can work through the guilt and focus on the happiness and excitement that is filling my heart, with a determination born of being loved.

JBE Monday - The thing I do not regret

This week Just Be Enough is asking is to acknowledge the things we do not regret doing.

Like most of us, I have many regrets... a certain haircut, a certain outfit, a certain one-night stand, a certain something I said, did, ate, saw, read, wrote etc...

The one thing, however, I will never regret, is marrying Stud1.

Dearest,
We have been married almost ten years. We have known each other since we were twelve so, all in all, you have been in my life for twenty one years. 

We got married young, too young... Looking back at the photos I wonder what we thought we were doing... Kids playing grown ups...

I don't regret it but I would find it hard to stomach if Monkey wanted to do the same. Luckily though, it didn't hold us back from travelling and seeing a bit of the world. We knew we weren't ready to be settled-with-kids-settled so we just lived. 

Enjoyed our time together in new places and learnt to grow together. All based on a life lived with my best friend. 

It hasn't been all roses. They have smelled pretty shitty sometimes and probably will again.
 It has been a life time of experiences thrown into ten years together. We have been through many things that could have broken our friendship, destroyed our marriage but they haven't. They won't.

No matter what comes in the next ten years... I will never regret marrying you.

Because the experience has been enough.

LJx

JBE Monday - The Truth

The truth... you can't handle the truth... I have written and rewritten many drafts telling the truth but I am a consummate liar...

The Truth...

Saccharine covered, veiled in fake smiles
hidden within the depths of her soul
the Truth lies in wait
It festers behind the civil facade
waiting to be released
she tries to the ease the pressure
releasing the valve slowly
letting small Truths escape,

But afraid of the fallout
if the whole truth fell out
unguarded, uncensored, naked -
she clings to the charade
hoping that the small Truths will pave the way
for the whole Truth that encompasses her
and will negate the fear within
that the expected censure  is a fallacy
and that her Truth will be embraced
and will be enough.

Five things that make me smile.

I'm linking up with the ladies and gents over at Just Be Enough for their Monday prompts and this week it's all about what makes me smile.

I have been mulling it over and decided that I might need more than five...

Or maybe I should put it into categories...

Or maybe I should just get started!

1. The men in my life - No matter what is going on or how down I feel, how angry I get - their smiles brighten my day. They make me smile by their antics, comedy genius and contagious laughs.
2. Little children - especially those who are learning to walk. The looks of concentration, awe, surprise and trust that fleet across their faces. The determination and personalities that are so apparent to someone looking on. And of course their chubby legs, grubby faces etc etc...
3. WORDS. The good kind. The funny ones. The helpful ones. The caring ones. The ones that make me laugh. The sarcastic ones that make me laugh. The rude ones that make me blush. The ironic ones. The geeky ones. The one that would hurt if I heard them. The ones I wish I could say. The ones I want to say but never will...
   
   Hence I have two boards on Pinterest of inspiration for my word wall I will be designing when I get home. (Here and here)
   
4. Kittens and puppies, meerkats, lion cubs, tiger cubs, hyena pups, wolf cubs - pretty self explanatory. Seriously... who cannot feel better watching a baby animal exploring the world... ok... you're just weird!
   
5. Coffee - the smell of coffee brewing when I'm still in bed. The teasing, tantalising aroma that to me equals love and caring. That Stud1 is making me my magical elixir of life.
   
   The smell as you enter the cafe. The warmth in your hands as you cradle the cup. The heightened sense of awareness as you breathe in deeply, taking your first sip. The simple act of stirring the sugar in makes me feel calmer. It slows my mind and gives me a little break from everyday chaos.
   

JBE - Soul Fuel

Today's prompt is what fuels you...

What Fuels Me?

I started off thinking about food... I do that quite often. 

It frustrated me that I was thinking of food when surely this is a deeper prompt and then I realised something. As much as I struggle to eat healthy and resist having too much cake and a second caramel latte or too many hot chips, I struggle with the soul-fuel.

Confused?

My soul-fuel is the quick-fix junk-food of life.

• Praise
• Recognition
• Smiles
• Hugs
• Compliments
• Acknowledgement

All the externals. Praise, compliments, affirmations from others. Hugs and smiles from Monkey and Stud1. Smiles from strangers when Monkey is being adorable and when he's not.

I know that I should be more focussed on the intrinsics. Feelings like accomplishment, the satisfaction of doing a good job for the sake of doing a good job, not because someone says “Well done” or “good blog post”.

That it should be enough that I feel like I have done well or tried my hardest. But in all honesty, my confidence is shaky and I need those externals to feel as if I am good enough.

Then I realised... it is enough.

My soul-fuel is what helps me make it through a bad day, helps me make the right choices, helps me focus on the good in me and what I do. It buoys me when I feel bogged down by the challenges of life with a hard working husband and an active three year old. It gets me through writer's block, through all the what-ifs and should-Is. It gives me the confidence to be more accepting of my faults and others.

Pinterest

My soul-fuel maybe the quick-fix junk-food of life but it is enough for me.

Just be enough - a letter to my son.

from Pinterest

 Dearest Monkey,

from Pinterest

This is a hard letter to write. It shouldn't be hard though, it should be easy to tell you that you are enough. Because you are. Even now at three, you are enough. You are enough for me, your dad, our family and friends.

You are enough for the world. Because you are, you.

But there may come a time when you doubt this fact. That is why it is a hard letter to write. I want to know you to know that you are enough always, regardless of what you hear, see, and even, think. I would like you to read this letter and know that you are enough.

Enough in every aspect of your life and in all your relationships.

You know that I am all about choice. That I believe we get to where we are by the choices we are bravest enough to make and the ones we are braver not to make. Every choice that you make will take you in a new direction. Every choice you make is enough to change the course of your life. I want you to know that even if I don't understand the reasons for your choices - I will support your making that choice. 

Behind all the confusion, yelling and the tears will be a mother who is proud of her son's ability make choices that may go against the flow of his environment. A mother who is so proud that you are braver than I ever was. That I am prouder of you than you will ever know.

from Pinterest

from Pinterest

You may doubt your chosen path and that is enough to make a change for the better or reassure you that you are where you are meant to be. You may doubt those of your loved ones. You may doubt many things in your life but please never doubt that you are enough to make the right choice at the right time. That you are enough of a son, friend, man and role-model to have made a difference. 

 

I love you and that is enough.

Mum.

I joined up with Just Be Enough... will you?

Just being enough in marriage...

USUAL DISCLAIMER APPLIES - Don't read if easily disturbed, upset, worried or if you are related to me! 
Unless you want to...

 

This week’s prompt: The top area of your life where you would like to apply the Just.Be.Enough. mission of standing taller.

Hmmm... do I "go there" in the blogosphere? Ah shit yeah!

In my marriage, I want to be enough for Stud1.

I want to be beautiful enough in his eyes,

I want to be sexy enough in his eyes,

I want to be interesting enough in his eye,

I want to be supportive enough in his eyes,

I want to be a good enough mother to our son,

I want to be enough that he will continue to come home to us.
I want to be enough that I will come first in his mind and his heart.

I want to know that having known him for more than half my life is enough to stop us feeling like strangers.
I want to know that I am enough that I am still his best friend.
I want to know that my love for him is enough to get us to another ten years and more.

I want to be enough for him, even though in my heart, I feel like I often am not...

 

Just being enough - Swimsuit Edition...

Credit

I have come to the realisation (again - I am a slow learner sometimes!) that I am wasting moments that I will never have again with Monkey.

While I wait to (magically) look good in a bathing costume, he is growing up and, too soon, won't want to swim with me.

Because in all honesty - I am more likely to get a doctorate in advanced nuclear science than look the way I think/feel I should look in a bather.

Credit

It didn't help my resolve to  accept that the mere fact that I want to swim with my son is enough when the websites I trawled yesterday had pictures like these from my favourite bra manufacturer. Pictures that made my cellulited thighs quiver in fear and dismay... Well... I think they were, I can't see them over my mummy-overhang.

Credit

Even the models I've used for illustrations don't look plus-sized to me. In my opinion, they have an enviable body, they have curves and look like they enjoy food but have a better handle on moderation and exercise than I do.

It was disheartening and made me feel like I should just give up my search. I felt like I was hoping for too much. But in deciding that wanting to swim and paddle about with my son was enough reason to get a new bather. That it would be enough for him to have me in the pool with him. That he doesn't need me to be in a bikini, he needs me to be in the pool!

I am enough for him!

And this morning I went out and bought this... It is enough for me - I love it.

From www.ts14plus.com.au

Linking up with...

Just being enough Pt1

Usual Disclaimer applies - don't read if easily offended, easily worried, easily pissed off etc etc...

Growing up I don't think I was ever aware of being enough. I was very often too much of something. Often they would contradict each other but they still applied. I wonder now, if knowing then that I was enough it would have changed the way I see myself.

From my earliest memories I was/am:

Too quiet

Too reserved/shy 

Too clever to be getting below 90%

Too good at public speaking - I was too good at talking in public so I narrated every nativity play from the time I was eight. Never did get to be Mary.

Too noisy.

Too demanding

Too selfish

Too secretive

Too worried about protecting my mum

Too easily embarrassed

Too fat

Too day-dreamy

Too friendly

Too ready to trust my gut feelings

Too judgmental

By the time I reached university I could add:

Too good at languages to be able to be a mediocre student

Too easy 

Too argumentative

Too challenging

Too loud

Too inquiring

Too insecure

Too easily embarrassed

Too fat

Too concerned about not hurting others or worrying them

Now I am

Too worried about Monkey

Too free-range

Too determined to do a good job of motherhood

Too intimidating

Too much of a pushover

Too caring

Too open

Too sharing

Too selfish

Too untidy

Too ungrateful

Too helicopter-mum

Too demanding of my husband

Too lax with my friendships

Too strict

Too flexible

Too rigid

Too loud

Too stubborn

Too concerned with what other people think

Too focused on the negative

Too far away.

Anyone reading this know me from way back then? Got anything to add?

Now to work on being. enough.