Together is

Together is

Together is
Easy words, fleeting loneliness,
Holding hands, candlelight
Slow dancing and learning lyrics
Discomfort, housework,
Using your inside voice and
Putting the toilet seat down

Together is
Crying, hurting and forgiving
Coffee dates, tea in bed,
Cold toast and runny eggs
Tissues, plasters and air freshener
Holding a door, a hand and biting your tongue

Together is
Shared playlists and Netflix passwords
Opening jars, minds and intentional communication
Code words, safe words and fewer excuses
Super king duvets, throw pillows and the shelf you swore would fit all the books

Together is
Making memories, promises and taking action
A kind heart and gentle truths,
Broken hearts, glue guns and No More Gaps
Learning to love that colour,
those shoes and that shirt

Together is
Following a map,
Getting lost, lighting matches
Toasting marshmallows and burnt egos
Risk, monopoly, poker faces
Losing badly and winning well

Together is
An effort, a complication,
A reminder, a password
An ambition
A safe haven, a home
A love
And three words
You and me.

In the dark.

In the dark.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
In my chaotic heart
To be held, phone lighting the sand,

When your arms found me
As I began to fall apart.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To be there again
On that beach,
Crying….Again….
And how it felt like home.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To feel you breathe under my cheek
As I watched the waves,
And to feel your hand tracing circles
As you held me in that moment.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To want to step back,
Because you are my safety net;
And I owe you more than you'll ever ask for.
And because I am too scared to lose you.
But maybe, just maybe, you do need me as much as I need you.

I'd tell you the truth, about how it felt
To stare at the stars, holding back tears,
Feeling the warmth of you
As you stood near enough to hear my doubt.

And I'd tell you the truth, about how it feels when you smile
And I am reminded that I love you.
And there is no explanation to make that truth more true -

Than your strength,
Whispered on a beach,
With silver waves and the light of a phone -
Because you know that I can't see in the dark.

©LattejunkieNZ 2018

Together

It confuses me still

And it confuses me still,
That practiced pause in your argument.
The sudden switch to voiced concern
To check that I am focused and ok -

Ok to let you continue telling me when, and where,
We were standing the first time you doubted.
How you felt the first time you loved another -

And another -

And another -

And came home to tell me why you had to feel and do.
Because,
I was not doing more
To make you feel like you were part of a whole.

And how I should breathe deeper to smell the scent of their skin
And the Dutch courage it took to allow yourself that release.

About how I should feel guilt
and blame only myself,
Because I made you do this.

Because I get caught in a word or a phrase
And I think I'm doing better at holding us together.
Until you pause to make sure

I'm

Listening

To

Hear

How I should take the blame today.

© LattejunkieNZ 2018

Twin

Her voice carries over the sound of wheels on wet tar,
Over the shift of a bag, a guitar slung over a shoulder,
Knee hitting the body of the other bag, rhythmically
Part knell, part heartbeat,
Driving him to the hill,
To the two lakes,
To her last wish.
To set her loose,
to allow himself to become one.
No longer tied to him, no longer tied to anything,
More than that, to let her be apart from him,
but a part of all.
For him to be one for the first time.

Origami Hearts

Origami Heart

You tore a page from our book
With paint stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With ink stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With grass stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With cigarette stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With oil stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With tear stained fingers
And folded an origami heart

You tore a page from our book
With a stranger's fingers
And folded an origami box

And now we no longer have a book, but -

A box full of hearts
Made from our story
Which tear as I open them
Trying to find the page
Or sentence that shows
Where it all changed,
Where the plot twisted
Where the story ended

You tore a page from our book
And made a box of hearts
But all I have left
Is paper cuts
And confetti hearts.

Ask Me

Ask me

Ask me a question,

Actually, wait

Ask me a good question,

One that will prompt a story to flow from my heart

But, maybe not one that will make me remember the last time I was asked it,

Because I'm not going to tell you that story today.

Go on, ask me a question,

One that will open your eyes wide as I become something you've never guessed at

But maybe not that one?

Because then I'd have to couch it in explanations that would mar the velvet and rend the gossamer memory,

Rather,

Ask me about how it felt to hear his last kind word,

Ask me about how it felt to feel my first broken heart, not the last,

Ask me about how his tears tasted the night he first kissed me after she died,

Ask me about how the café smelt of coffee and cake as he fucked me on the steel countertop,

Ask me how it'll sound when your voice breaks as you finally understand the ending of the poem you've always suspected was about you,

Ask me how it will be when I finally find the answer to your question,

Ask me if I'll tell you.

Tomorrow's Thoughts.

As the sun set and the clouds became the night black

The glamour failed and they saw the other side,

A bay of red and crimson, banked by peaks and shadowed cliffs,

A place that existed for them to marvel at,

A glimpse into a world where it had never happened,

Where it was all still, as it used to be, as it should have been,

Stretched out beyond their grasp, lingering to remind them that within the intake of breath and the receding whisper of the waves -

Was the rhythm of tomorrow's thoughts and the beating of a heart only bruised.

Counted

If we're born with our map to the end of our race in hand

And our minutes are already counted

And everyone we'll ever meet is already going to meet us

And everyone we'll love, loves us already even though they don't know us yet,

And those who will in turn hate us, already carry it safely in their heart like a lump of coal not destined to become a diamond

And every tear, smile, laugh and hug is accounted for

And every fake orgasm is stored next to the real ones in wrapping that is seemingly exactly the same

And every meal is planned, trip booked, book lined up on a shelf,

Why do we try so hard to make each moment count twice?

Spoons

I create room in my heart by wearing more and more of it on my sleeve,
For there is always more to fit into it,
New songs, moments of magic and of suspended disbelief,
Sadness, hope, trust and warning signs,
People who become treasures of my soul and who will never be asked to move,
Eternal room-mates who will linger and become beloved like the faded blanket I fold into on days when it all becomes too much or when their arms are out of reach
The real estate of my heart comes at a price,
It costs salt, from my eyes or from my hard work
It costs bitterly, in apologies and in mistakes
Or in the acidic burns of slights, harsh words and painful moments of growth
And still sweetly, in laughter, love and warm words, arms that hold it all together
My sleeves are almost full, embroidered in blood red satin chain stitch, fading to palest pink,
But now I can pour it into spoons to be carried on my hands,
Hands that can hold more and can continue to protect the growth of my heart.

Shrug

eyes averted, shoulders dismissive

it's hard to even write the words 

because they're not there

they're replaced with dried up husks

of excuses and simple phrases 

that don't touch the sides of the hole you're in

shrug

smile

shake your head

try to be in the moment

while sifting through days and years

stuck in your mind to accidentally find a solution

or even a word to help fill the silence

in your head as you watch the world

passing behind the shadow of whatever it is you're feeling

because without the words you're just....

shrug

smile

shake your head

and trying to fill the whole with nothing.

Ghosts

The ghosts visited again today,

Blurs of rose and silver rising

From behind closed doors

Bringing with them the scent of summer

And the taste of tears

Bringing the promises made -

Sitting on the benches in the sun,

In city streets after midnight -

Whispered in the predawn light.

Shivers of words, promises and love

Running down her spine

Pooling in her eyes

Caught tight in her throat

They spilled out slowly,

As the scissors cut,

Trying to ease the pain

To send them back behind the iron doors

Or to see them swept away,

For if they can’t recognise her

They can’t find her.

For the ghosts will visit again.

The Wolf And I

In between now and then

Skipping between the shadows

We dance

Longer, even during the nights,

Waltzing in the moonlight,

Our feet kicking up the past,

Ghosts dance under a night sky,

Fading as we break into a new day,

In the growing light we dance on

Hidden amongst the obvious

We dance.

Trailing hands in the River

Dipping in and dipping out

Following the melody

All the while, I wait for a pause.

A break, a moment

Where we are not one,

When the wolf is not at  my back

Nor at my door

Where I do not have to dance with the wolf,

For when I dance alone

Through the new day

And the terror stays in the night,

I will be free.

But for now

We dance

The wolf and I -

I and the wolf

We dance,

Partnered together

The light and the dark

We are one

For without the wolf

I am no-one.

Shutterfall

It's that moment.
Or this one.
Or the next.
The one you hope will merge with the others like it
And become:
The time we.
The remember the night?
That time you.
That time I.

As my eyes close, capturing it
Shutter falling
Capturing this moment in time
I can't help but wonder if you will remember the same one.
Or if it is a different moment
That grabbed your heart
Or tugged your smile
Or reminded you of that time we...

Between us - a poem.

My fingers trace a line between the sea and sky,

Smearing the water vapour, letting the light in again

Cold glass against warm skin, tired eyes looking for a glint,

Of silver, of a brighter grey within the silence that fills the car,

Words have fallen into the confined space between my heart and my head

And there they wait, weighted with fears that will fade 

Like shadows in the sun, when you finally smile -

When you finally smile and I see the sun setting over the sea,

Turning the fading words, rose and golden, into a promise

That will lead to a lifetime of sunsets, of tides

Of words whispered in cars, in beds and in your arms

My fingers trace the line between you and me.

Silken Parachute - a poem

I strapped myself in, checked the straps were tight and secure
And gasping a deep breath, I jumped.
Rather, I tried to jump so I'd be clear of entanglement
But I stumbled on the run up
Caught myself in the words around my feet
The ones you'd put there for me
Words you'd spoken, quietly from behind a sad smile,
And placed with care in intricate patterns
I could have missed them had your voice not caught my attention,
Distracting me from checking where to put my feet, before running,
They caught me and I fell into your words, eyes and arms,
The silken parachute a different form of safety and escape.

A Box Of Sunlight - a poem

For Grifball. 

Because you asked.

 And my brain wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote it.

A box of sunlight

He asked for a box of sunlight, and, in time she sent him a box

wrapped in gold and shimmer. He opened it and found it black

with a circle of yellow, words filling it...

If I could believe in angels, I would ask to borrow their wings,

and as we passed the sun, I would reach for the light -

burning my fingers - to trap it, and its heat, in a box, for you

But I am doubt-tethered to this earth, and can only promise you a season of sunlight.

If you are able to pass through the darkness that surrounds you,

and carry that which weighs down on you.

In return I will send the Summer

It's the only way I know how to keep the sun - by losing it

in the snowy nights, and weeks of grey. To earn it

by marveling at the frost and the beauty of its cold embrace

Sunlight will return to you, so bright your eyes will tear and shine

and you will marvel at the heat - and in turn, I will ask for it back

and you will say, with burnt fingers, that it cannot be boxed -

it can only be earned by finding the beauty in its absence.

Riding in cars with boys

Moving with the road, 

Hugging the cliffs and sea

Music pounding and strobing

Streetlights and headlights

Bass beats and tenor voices

A strange calm amidst the noise

She counted stars and reflections

Head tilted up to the sky as 

He drove to the night's end

As they laughed and swore that it would never be less than it was

In that moment of feeling infinitely powerful and small

Stood at the edge of the water

And at the top of the slide into the dark unknown

They filled the questions with happy noise

Hiding the answers in bravado as they drove

To the night's end. But not to dawn

For they hoped it would never break

That tonight would be enough

You

You know.

You look at her as if she's magical
A creature of wonder
You look at her as if she could burst into flames
a Phoenix of your heart
You are fascinated and frightened

You know.
You feel the pull of the tide
The wake she leaves as she steps through your thoughts
You feel the warmth of her smile
As she brushes past you
You watch her, always

You know.
You wait for that moment
The one they write of in books
The moment before the flames and fireworks
You are always patient

You know that like a Phoenix
She must burn before she can be yours
She must breathe before she can fly
Because you know

You have the scarred lungs too.

Utter

i utter the banalities of a civilised society
ingrained and indoctrinated from day one
i open my mouth and tell another socially sanctified lie

your eyes harden briefly
or sometimes you frown a little
as if you recognise the lie
but then you smile and nod

and we continue to dance the dance
as is proper and seemly
in a way that doesn't ruffle feathers
because we are well trained
and we know our place

Untitled, about you.

do you ever write about me?
the question hangs there
over my head and i wait for it to fall, gallows-quick
my mouth opens and the words no, never, why and which one did you read?
tumble out one after the other as my heart yells
Yes.
YES.
In everything there is a part of you
your voice, slow and patient, angry and quick
your smile - tempting and enticing
the curve of your hip, the way your skin looks in the sunlight
they find their way into my words
they are a part of me, of you

Yes, again, yes
in every line there is a piece of you
that thing you did last tuesday that pissed me off
the time you cupped my face in your hand
the way your hand moves when you think I'm driving badly
your sigh when you taste your first sip of a good coffee
they're always in my words

And yes, yes,
sometimes you will know it's you
sometimes you will think it's him or her or them
and sometimes you'll be right
and sometimes it will be about a man on a bike in the rain
or a girl I saw on a bus by the sea.

And I will always worry that you'll recognise yourself in the one that
breaks your heart or makes you angry
or worse, that you'll see him in the one you love
or the one that was always meant for you.