The Perception of Fear

Being afraid. Being scared. Being fearful.

Feelings and states of mind that we experience. Sometimes too often. In varying degrees of severity. From fleeting to crippling.

But in reality, the perception of fear is more of a handicapper than the actual cause of the fear itself. By being afraid to be afraid/scared/petrified, we're handicapping ourselves. We're shackling ourselves to the known and sometimes the known is holding us back. It's killing us slowly in ways we will never see until we're across the fear barrier and into our new comfort zone.

I'm one to talk, I guess, about letting fear rule in my head. I picture her as an amalgamation of all those bitches from high school, work, that woman I saw on the street who I just know was a bitch, and my inner critic. I hear her as all the voices who have caused me pain, doubt and insecurity since I was a child.

Right now though, I have her on mute. I am ignoring her as best I can. Unfortunately she knows non-verbal ways to kick me in the guts. But every day, I think I am one step closer to not being handicapped by fear. I know it's there, I know I should feel it and that I should carry on regardless. Because without risking the fear, I can't move forward. By taking one step at a time and being proactive I am going to beat the fear and find my place again...

TL:DR I am trusting that the fear I feel regarding our future is just the prod I need to get me out into a new comfort zone.

I don't like change.

Disclaimer: This is a "real" post. Please don't be offended or hurt or worried. But, as always, if you want to send coffee and chocolate, message me.

I don't deal well with change.


I am quite spontaneous. I don't follow strict routines. I don't deal well with change.


I'm in a place now where I am happy. 93% of the time I am happy. The other 7% is easily forgotten once it's in the past. 


I have my niche. I have my peeps. I have my hangouts. I don't deal well with change.


I'm working through other demons, making peace with things I can't work out, I'm feeling positive.


I am scared that changing things will break the fragile peace I have now.

I have been hiding from it. Avoiding it. Trying to find a way to stop it happening. 


And I think that's normal. Unhealthy but normal.

But.


But. 


But.


I need to do this. It's about more than me. That's the sad difficult part about becoming a wife and a mother. Sometimes things have to change, even if there is no real reason for you to have it change, it is best for the other people in your family.

It's hard and I am very sure there will be lots of blog fodder as we go further down the track with this. At the moment it's still a bit airy-fairy and hand-wavey, which is why the change isn't defined but it will be eventually... Bear (bare?) with me. And thank you for your supportive comments yesterday. I needed to know that being "real" would be ok. 

The Lost Generation

Thank you to my cousin for posting this on FB. 

In whose life would you prefer to be?

Today I have been thinking that if I could spend a day (or more) with fictional people, who would I spend my days with. I know I am supposed to be "in the moment" "living the now" but sometimes it's honestly not all that fun.

Credit

My obvious first choice would be to hangout with Lorelei and Suki in Star's Hollow. I'd pop into the inn for some coffee and a chat. Then we'd swan off and buy something ridiculously overpriced at Kims Antiques, stop by Miss Patty's and have a risqué conversation, and then finally we'd crash into Lukes and annoy the hell out him in a truly sexy-flirty way.

The next time I needed a break I would become friends with Penny and hangout with the nerds. I'd sit in Sheldon's seat just to get a debate started. Penny and I would encourage Rajesh to leave the confines of his closet and just admit that he's gay!

Or I would become a neighbour in Cougar Town – but I'd be the weird one who doesn't drink. Actually it wouldn't be fun at all as I would probably have to babysit Stan (the baby).

But ultimately I would like to spend time in NY with the Rent guys. It's not a lifestyle I have ever thought of choosing but I would love to be able to say “Fuck the man! I am a writer.” Instead of doing it part-time and not quite believing that it is a possibility. Of course being able to sing like (apparently) all starving artists would be a huge bonus. But the freedom is alluring and I have very little idea of how to achieve it...

Who would you like to be when your life gets too much or too mundane?

Too Sexy, Too Soon - Not just for girls!

5 Dangers of Too Sexy, Too Soon Ads Aimed at Our Girls

Have a read of the article above. Wait, actually, make a cup of coffee first, get a slice of cake, you're going to need something to spit on the keyboard in indignation/shock/horror etc.

My biggest concern of the entire article is the fact that there needs to be this kind of article. That there are products to prompt an article like this. That (sadly) marketing and product placement type peeps can make a huge amount of money off the insecurities of mothers.

I am not the mother of a girl. I am not the most self confident person, I know, I have body issues etc. But I am doing my damnedest not to let that rub off on Monkey. I am encouraging him to be active, I am trying to be more active, we eat mostly healthily and I hope this is enough.

I can't imagine what it's like to be the mother of girls. It must be hard. How do you filter the outside influences?

Just as I was about to post this the universe knocked:

Last night I read this article and discovered femiman, the new "it" look for male models. I don't think the cover should have been censored it's purely for sensation. 

I have nothing against the model. He is beautiful. He is doing his job. I hope he didn't get the crap beaten out of him in high school - he would have at mine. He is successful but wow... how do I/you approach this with our boys who are increasingly insecure and reliant on magazines to represent masculinity. (sounds similar to the plight of mums with girls looking at supermodels in magazines)

Here is a photo of him from The Daily Mail and while you are looking at it and marvelling at his beauty, please have a thought as to what this means for our boys. 

Monkey is young now, but soon he will be looking outside our immediate circle for inspiration, norms and acceptance. How do I go about grounding him in reality? I want to tell him his body is awesome, he is handsome but then I worry that he will pick up that appearance is important. So I try to stress what his body does well, and then I worry that he will think that I am picking up on that due to the fact that he isn't handsome etc... Arrgggh!

untitled

the words come out, neither hear the same

the past plays an insidious melody, changing the meaning

the feelings build, burst out, discordant

i don't know how to create more meaning

nor how to listen without the melody, crowding in,

changing the tone, the rhythm knocked skew

it hurts and i hate it...

My lines are self-drawn.

Going through my Reader feed this morning I found when your best isnt good enough by beafunmum waiting for me and as I went to comment I realised I was writing more than just a comment.

My lines are self-drawn. They used to be in indelible ink, now they are mostly in pencil. Some, though, will always be permanent. I hope if I travel along them long enough I will find a break in them. That they too will fade and I will be able to cross over to the next line.

My lines are self-drawn but made thicker by them. Those unseen, unheard and unknown judgements that do not exist in reality but I perceive them as real. I see, hear and know them. It is these that cause the most pain and fear. It is these that are the most harmful.

I can work at drawing in pencil, eraser ready at hand. But they are, seemingly, highlighters that cover the pencil making the lines permanent.

My lines are self-drawn. Yet I draw them for others. They are invisible. They exist. They take their toll. Some are crossed with ease, others never are. I don't know how to undraw them, how to not draw them.

My borders are self-drawn. They need to be indelible but aren't. I set them up and they drift or fade when faced with reality. 

By trying to cross the lines, I cross the borders. I wish I didn't have to. I wish they were immutable. They are my sanity and my worth.

The immediacy of now.

It used to be that when disasters occurred, you'd read about them in the newspapers or see edited footage on the news. We were able to empathise and sympathise with those poor people who were affected and wonder briefly about the what-ifs. Then we got on with our lives until something else happened.

I am sure that if something big had happened in South Africa, we would have felt more affected by it but we would have moved on.

After September 11, I was unsettled but, as I understood that it was people deciding to commit atrocities, I could move on. Living in the UK when tube bombings happened was harder, I knew people who knew people who were affected but there was still distance - we lived in a small village and very rarely travelled into London. And, again it was the actions of people.

With Hurricane Katrina and the Boxing Day Tsunami, I was concerned and very sad for the people affected but there was distance, I was only seeing the edited footage and reading the well edited reports. But there was a more tangible fear in my heart about the unpredictability of nature...

But I put it behind me.

However, right at this moment I am unable to put the recent natural disasters behind me. In my unprofessional opinion, it's due to the immediacy of the news. It's the unedited blow by blow that floods my television screen, my news feed, my blog subscriptions. my favourite radio station. There isn't a distance, there is no sanitising of the horror. It is immediate. It is now and it is more real. It could be the view from my window that I am seeing. It is not just happening in Japan, it is not just happening to them, it's happening to all of us and it is hard to escape it.

Most of days I am happy for the immediacy of our global village... But, right at this moment, it is a very slippery slope to the rabbit hole. Do we know how to get out of it?

A request....

Just as I sat down to write out a post about Japan and the volcano in Indonesia and all of the other natural disasters around the world, I checked Facebook... As you do.

As I skimmed my friends' status updates, I saw a word. One little word that caught my eye. I re-read the status and quickly scanned down to see if I had missed a crucial update. I had... There they were. Back to back. Two minutes apart.

My friend's status ended simply...

I will defeat this bastard cancer! 

  

She is one of the first friends I made in the UK. We taught together as a year group team. She showed me the ropes of the UK curriculum and I learned so much from her.  Her wedding is a thing of legend. She has been through so much to become a mum.

Cancer! OMFG. She is my age. A mother of two under six. A simple blood test and her world is upside down. 

My request is simple - 

If you are the praying kind - pray for her

If you are the positive vibes kind - send them her way

If you are the thinking kind - think of her kindly

If you are the wishing kind - wish it away for her

If you are the spell casting kind - cast one

If you are the meditating kind - meditate on her beating this

If you are the reiki kind - please consider sending her distance healing. 

Em B... I am thinking of you and know that you are going to beat this! Eyes and teeth, lady, eyes and teeth! xxx

The price we pay for developing democracies.

Credit

The petrol price has shot up and we are told to expect it to go up by another 40c in the next few months. The retailers are increasing prices by a minimum of 2% to cover the added cost of freight. Of course, this being a small market, they'll add an extra percent or two just to make them feel better, and we won't really be able to complain as there isn't really much option when it comes to shopping here. 


We live on a remote island in comparison to the rest of the world. The benefits far outweigh the negatives but basically we pay through the nose because we are living in the ass-end of the world! 


These increases are due to the instability in Middle East and Northern Africa. The instability has been caused by the revolutions and civil wars that have, seemingly, sprung up since Egypt's successful revolution. 


Now, as much as I am very happy to bitch about the cost of fuel, goods and services and the amazing ability for corporations to jump on the price-rise band wagon so they can make an extra dollar or three, I would like to start thinking about this in a positive light.


We are paying more. We are paying more because people are trying to live in  democratic societies and overthrow years/decades of oppression by dictators and single party governments.


Who am I to put a price on the freedom of others? 
I am not an activist.
I haven't got lots of money to throw into funding revolutions.
I am not a reporter who can spread the word to millions through media.
I am not an aid worker nor on the Peace Corps... 


I am, however, able to try to complain less about the price of things here, knowing that it is costing others more... Their life, livelihood and having to trust that the unknown is better than the known.

The week ahead

• I will get back on the wagon, so to speak and I will do my best. 
• I will exercise.
• I will plan our menus and do a decent grocery shop.
• I will work out what part of the crazy in my head is real and what is not.
• I will try to purge the crazy. (Are you bracing for another post that starts with a disclaimer?)
• I will growl less and cuddle more.
• I will be heard and understood.
• I will be kind to myself.

I will ponder these quotes and try to find the meaning of them in my life....

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White

So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don't sit there.
If we screw it up, start over. Try something else.
If we wait until we've satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late.
- Lee Iacocca  

“When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.”

- CS Lewis  

More news on the quake...

This is a collation of information from many sources... click on the links to see the stories unfolding.

Google's Crisis Centre

Minute by minute updates from Christchurch.
Updated frequently


What you need to know - where to find people, what to donate, where to donate etc


Collection of social media updates with live links to bigger stories...

How to reassure children - from Nigel Latta's FB page... useful for everyone.

NZH - click for more images

Where I am at...

I haven't switched on the TV today and have only listened to the radio. I am still feeling shaky (pardon the pun) and I am more aware that

• Our neighbourhood only has one link to the rest of town (Will the bridge hold?)
• Stud1 works 40 kilometres away (would he get back to us?)
• Stud1 works on the 11th floor. On a hill that was built by the last major quake in Wellington
• We live directly opposite to a faultline. The island in the road is the fault line :(
• I was more worried about a tsunami
• Our emergency kit is sorely lacking (why are the needed things so expensive to buy - gas stoves etc...)
• I don't have an emergency plan together
• None of my close friends live in our neighbourhood...
• I am scared.

 Kia Kaha - Stay Strong

Ramblings...

My head is full of the crazy today. As the title of this post states - this is a ramble of thoughts and it probably won't make sense... I won't be upset if you don't read it :)

The sadness I feel for Sea and his family's loss is growing. I have been able to get a sitter so that I can go to the funeral. I am relieved that I can go say goodbye but I am also worried about going to a funeral for a child.

It has made me realise how lucky I am that Monkey is healthy and active. It also reminded me that Sea developed normally until a point and then the condition kicked in... As it did for at least three other children I know...

The downside of working with special needs children is that you become very aware of how easily it is to get the genetic soup mix wrong, a little bit of this, a little bit of that and ta-dah you have autism, cerebral palsy, spina bifida, Downs etc...

I spent a long time worrying that he was developing too fast or too slow in other aspects. Everything became a warning sign. I'd remember things that I had heard while teaching and it would fit with our family history. I think it made the PND worse. I was worried for him, I know the system and it never works the way it should.

I wouldn't have loved him less, but I was worried that I would fail him. I was scared I wouldn't be strong enough.

So here I sit with a happy, healthy boy and yet I still worry. Have I put him in Kindy too early. Will it hurt his confidence if I pull him out? I am right in my assesment that it is too much for him at the moment to do three afternoons. Is he just not used to being with other adults? Is the 1:10 ratio too high? Should I pull him out and wait until he's four? Do two afternoons a week? 

There are days I hate being a grownup... It seems that this may be the week for it...

TL;DR - Still sad, still worrying, still love Monkey

What would you do if you had no fear? - 5

If I had no fear I would reconnect with the special friends I have lost contact with on life's journey.

"D Sharon Pruitt"

Engaging boys in education - an American perspective.

This is a TED talk about engaging boys in education from an American perspective. It is, however, spreading globally.





I am trying to be more aware of how I influence Monkey's learning or attitude to learning. It is very hard though. I have always had an aversion to boys in my class play fighting. But on the otherhand I have never said anything negative to them about the violence prevalent in theur stories. 

I do think that the system needs to adapt to the needs of the modern tech savvy child. I do think that I have a role to play in helping him negotiate through the system and being there to call the teachers on it. (Yes, I AM that mother!) 

I would agree that that there is a need for more engaging games and curriculum areas for boys. And that video games/pc games would be the way to go. Now if only NZ schools were more tech savvy and understood the need for using technology from the word go... In the UK I worked with boys who were very behind their peers academically but put them on a laptop with a spell check and they started to close the gap. I don't think that would be an option here.


What is your take on the learning of boys. Any great advice for me as I am only three years into my role as "Mother of a boy"

What would you do if you had no fear - 4

If I had no fear, I would initiate things. 

I would be as outgoing as I could and I would be brave enough to start the ball rolling.

I wouldn't wait for the right time. There is no right time. There is only right now. (I may be craving Chinese, hence I sound like a fortune cookie!) 

This would be on all levels.

Will I be pretty?

Thank you to Intermittent Blogger for sharing this video... (warning F-word used do not play in earshot of toddlers - oops)

Please read the transcript here - Pretty!

Thought provoking and in line with my previous post.

Unattainable perfection...

When I was pregnant and hadn't found out that Monkey was boy, I hoped and prayed he wouldn't be a girl. I was worried, even then, about how media and society has created this norm of unattainable perfection. (Don't get me started on the sensualisation of children...) I know how hard it is to page through magazines and look at the fashion layout and see NOTHING that would suit me... Or anyone who eats a healthy meal once or twice a week.

Now I am aware of how it also affects boys. They see perfection everywhere. Movies, videos, magazines, billboards etc. How can we protect them from feeling the same need to look like Mark Wahlberg in the Jockey Ad (yes I am that old) or thinking a girl isn't beautiful because she doesn't look like the latest It-Girl?



Does my aim of getting smaller affect the way he views himself and others? I have made an effort of telling him (when he asks) that I am trying to get healthier and be able to run fast like Daddy... I don't want him to think that I am doing it to be happier - I will never be a size 4 but I don't want him thinking that losing weight makes you happy. I don't want him thinking that for his friends, boy or girl...

What messages are we passing on to our kids? How do we make it positive?

What would you do if you had no fear - 3

Credits

If I had no fear, I would speak my mind more often.  

I would stop biting my tongue and say what I think. I would start being the stroppy girl I am on the inside. 

Uncharitabe thoughts would abound and I would feel freer!

But would people still like me?

Would they still want to be my friend?

Do they really want to hear the truth?

Can they handle the truth?

Credits

Edible hugs are my nemesis.

Now that I have adopted a healthier eating plan and am doing more exercise, I am left with one problem.

I will use the word "problem" because it is one. A big one. I used to reward myself with food. And console myself with it. Pretty much everything is was linked to food.

It still is.

It has been very hard not to go back to the old me and eat a bar of chocolate after a workout. Even if I DO deserve one for doing what I aimed to do. It's been hard not to have a super deluxe coffee with extra syrups etc, because I've been having a rough day with Monkey...

I don't know how to get past that need for an edible hug. The edible hugs are almost instant and relatively cheap. Magazines, books, DVDs are neither of those.

Am I too old to need a reward? 

Should I just make myself a sticker chart?

I hope that soon that crap about the exercise is the reward will actually be true. Or that life will just make me feel better - like that muffin did when the shit hit the fan at home/work/tv? 

But until then what do I do without my edible hugs?